k4r4fosho

k4r4fosho @ 2008-04-08T11:42:00

2008-04-08T18:53:23Z

I don't log in as much as I use to, and it's nice that I finally can say I'm too busy to recap my life, when I'm out livin it. ;)
But to update things for readers, or visitors that click the link of my page, things have been extremely well for me. For the past month and a half now things have been just as I'd picture them. Nothing too special. I've been meeting a lot new people, so many people. It's really nice to have some new people in my life to talk to. The same old people, in the same old town, gets boring. And the funny part is, for as long as I've lived in this town, I didn't realize there were so many chill ass people out here, that I hadn't heard about.
But let me tell you for anyone who thinks they know everyone out here, you really need to get out, a fucking lot, because you will meet some of the coolest people, that just don't give a fuck about drama or any of that dumb high school shit.
I'm happy, always, well except the monthly pms, or ocasional arguement with Josh over silly things. The other night I layed in bed with Josh and realized I couldn't name more then like five people who I had problems with. It's nice that I have tried to make amends with every person (almost) I had ever done wrong to, and in return I have got the same done in the past months.
I like my life, and I like my life style. I've never felt more confident, or anymore satisfied with how I do things, and the choices I make. And I know that should be enough for everyone else as well, if I'm happy, then no one should be trippin off my life.
I can't count how many times I've seen I am Legend and Grandma's boy now. :/
& Going to Independant has been nice, going to school twice a week, and not caring about a thing, feels good. I don't have to dred school anymore.
I've written a lot, and I'm kinda missing my baby by now, in the other room watching Harry Potter with his mom, wrapped up in blankys.
Let's hang out :)

k4r4fosho @ 2008-03-05T20:19:00

2008-03-06T04:19:33Z

"If we have love,
We can have anything."

I need to believe in those words more then anything right now.
I want to physically get up and leave this town, I want to drive down 160 high way, pull over and play in the fields and laugh, and see you there dancing with me.
I want to spend the whole day wandering off and holding hands.
I love you, why don't you love me too.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-26T18:46:00

2008-02-27T02:49:37Z

I feel sad without you. It just hit me that I'd be seeing a lot less of you.

There is too much going on in my life right now.
And I only felt safe with you, I feel lost.
I can't stop replaying every image of me and you in my mind.

I'm probably going to become this one big mess, that not even you can love.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-25T23:09:00

2008-02-26T07:15:46Z

There is nothing I can say to make you try, there is nothing I can do to make you stop.
I'm not the daughter I attended to be, I'm willing to just let you give up, because I doubt there is any hope anyways.
I tell myself, there is nothing I can do. An easy reason to explain to myself why I can't just tell myself the truth anymore.

Why is it that once I hear your sweet melody voice, I pause and smile, no matter what tears are dried up on this face. How is it that you save me from sadness, from crying, and you don't even have to try.
Why is it that when I tell you I'm sad, I'm smiling because your already cheering me up.

I understood it all tonight.
I'm in love with you, as crazy as it all sounds, as fast as it came apon me. I have completely fallen for you. Because I can't picture myself with anyone but you.
You complete me through all this emptiness and loneliness, you keep me laughing through all this heartship and tragedy.
Your keeping me here, your keeping me strong.

I'm in love with you Christopher, and those are the best words in the entire world.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-24T22:19:00

2008-02-25T06:26:11Z

You tried to kill yourself tonight.
Pain has become immune to me now, I wasn't sure how to react.
I don't have a hero, because no one has saved me.
I didn't think things could get worse, but everything continues to spiral down like the days before.
I can't say anything, think anything, other then I'm so screwed.
This is my life, there isn't always one big fucking happy ending. If things were that easy, it would have been like that by now.
There is no prince who saves you from a hole hell mess, there are only people there who are hoping things one day get better with you.
I want to run, I want to leave this life behind, but that's too lonely for me.
It'd be so hard to leave you as well. I'd miss you ten times more.

But you have to believe me, you have to understand, I can't do this.
I can't carry myself, I can't be happy like we both want me to be.
I'm breaking, I'm crackeling, I'm not so sure what to live for.
I realized, I might never feel loved. I realized, things might not ever turn up for the better.
This could be life, this could only get shitter.
Leave with me, let's not worry who makes it, and who falls down.
Let's be the one to save each other, please, be the one who saves me.
Because I'm done, this heart breaks.
I love you, but I have nothing to give you love. I have nothing but a messy life that only gets messier. I hope you'll learn to love it, I hope you'll learn to love me.
Because this is all I have.

You almost tried to kill yourself tonight.
It didn't suprise me that things could get worse.
Who knew my life would turn down this direction.
Who knew I'd become this much of a mess.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-23T16:43:00

2008-02-24T00:53:47Z

I thought I was so strong, I thought I could overcome anything, alone.
I thought I didn't need anyone, and that no one could be trusted, no matter what I was told.
I thought love was ruined for me, because love was always being lost.
I thought everyone was for themselves, everyone backstabbed, and broke hearts.
I thought I'd never come this far.

I love you, I love you. That's all I really know how to say anymore. Because your fucking everything to me, I wish you could see for yourself. Your all I think about, every morning and every night, you replay through my mind. Your in my heart, and your carrying my little heart where ever your feet lead you. I've never felt so comftroable, I've never felt so needed and cared about. Each day I love you so much more, as much as it's been said so many times in so many places in the world, it's never been so true. It's getting to the point I can't imagine living my life without you here anymore. I'm so selfish, I want you all to myself, every piece of your heart, every touch to every kiss for me. We tremble and stumble, it's never felt so perfect. I've never met someone so perfect. We laugh and play around in bed, I look at you and tell you we're completely right for each other. You understand me, I've never been in such shock. You take me for everything I am, I love you for everything you are and will be. There is nothing you could do that would make me think any different of you. This love is becoming unconditional. This love will become forever. I'm here for you baby, every step of the way. Each day I'm not with you, doesn't compare to the days I am there. Everytime we're not together, I can't seem to manage. You've got me, you already know boy. You've took a hold of me. I'm in love with you, no matter what happens from here, I love you Christopher, I love you.
I thought I'd never meet the person who would change my life, and make it beautiful.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-17T12:44:00

2008-02-17T20:56:42Z

Life is flying by, every week feels like years ago.
And when we layed in bed, and I saw you sleeping, I smiled. I was finally meant to be somewhere, I finally had a heart to call home, it was with you.
Things don't get easier in these eyes, there are only more tears to be cried.
But things don't seem half as bad when I'm out at night with you right there.
I probably can't handle the things that are being thrown at me, I'll probably want to give up a million more times, and try and run from it all. But hopefully you'll always be the one who makes me want to stay.
You can feel the stress when you touch me, I can feel you tremble when you make your way up to kiss me. As if we've never felt love before, I could stay under this spell forever.
I sit behind my door, and bawl. Thinking things here couldn't be any worse. Thinking I probably won't get over this all. Maybe all I have to do is move on with things.
We take a step together as you hold my hand tight. We kiss, and you can feel my lips pulling apart, because I am smiling.
When this painted face comes off, from a long day, you still see beauty in me, you still get nervous.
My life is always changing, no matter how much I try and pervent it all, it still goes on.
As if I were born yeseterday, in the city of lights, I embrace all of it. Because everytime I look over, your right there.
As I cry, and stumble my way out my door, thinking my life is the biggest mess in the world, I see that all I really need is you.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-12T18:54:00

2008-02-13T02:58:21Z

You tried to show me that there is truth, simplicity, love, and respect.
You tried to show me that you would be the one to be there, and not let me down.
You tried to show me that I could depend on someone, and they would come through.

Your showing me that I really can't expect anyone to say close, and be here for me.
Your showing me that family really doesn't mean anything, that it's just one big label.
Your showing me that it's okay to walk out on people.
Your showing me your just like everyone else that has come and gone in my life.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-11T20:50:00

2008-02-12T05:04:22Z

I wish this life made sense. I don't know why it's my life that always has these suprises that sneak up on me at the most unexpected times. My life has led down so many raods, I stare out the window and wonder when I will be there yet. As people get in and out of the car, how they come and go in life, I wonder who will be the ones to stay.
When things seem to get better, there is a big chunk of unhappiness and complexity that ends up falling into my life. As if there wasn't enough before. I wonder who will be the one to get me out of all this mess, the mess that has not ended, and the mess that will be started. I wonder if I will ever find some way out.
I still show fear in my eyes when I cry, and still shake when I can't handle it all. For once in my life, while everything seems to be falling down, your keeping me up from falling along with it. I hope you'll always be the one I'm with. If this were all a phase that one day you would grow out of, if this all changed tomorrow, and I still trembled when I said I love you, would you believe this was real. Because I lied, I've never felt this way before. I've never felt more complete, more content, and more settle in my entire life.

I wonder when this life will have any sense of direction.
But I hope you'll always be here with me, helping me figure it all out.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-10T13:32:00

2008-02-10T21:35:08Z

There is no balance.
It's always party, party, party.

I wish we could just lay in bed all day, but that's not your type of thing.
I can already tell.
So I lay in bed alone, cuddle up with my blankets and wish you wanted the same thing as me.
I wish you wanted to be here with me, even if it wasn't the most exciting thing to do.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-09T11:20:00

2008-02-09T19:24:58Z

The past couple days I have fallen, so hard. Life is turning into a story book, and I'm turning into the princess. Only because I have the best boy in this whole town, whole world. I couldn't be ever more content then I am now. Nothing could break me now. I've never felt so satisfied, so happy. I feel free of ever burden, every suffer I couldn't get a hold of, every negative aspect in my life is now gone.
I love the fact that I am going out of the house more and more, and hanging out with people, doing fun things. It makes me feel a lot more outgoing, a lot more easy spirited. I love my life, and that might just be the first time I have ever said that. I could do the same thing everyday, if it meant going home with him every night.
I love Christopher.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-03T13:17:00

2008-02-03T21:19:59Z

I wish I had someone there who wanted to be next to me, all the time.
Someone who wanted to be there, with or with out make up.
Someone who'd spend their time with me, even if we were bored out of our minds.
Someone to where we'd do everything with each other.
Someone who'd refuse to goto sleep, unless it meant laying there with me.
Someone who'd see my family as their's and their's as mine.

Someone who'd make me feel a little more like I belonged.
Someone who'd always love me.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-02T21:18:00

2008-02-03T05:28:16Z

I'm over it, so over it.
The fields full of nothing but dirt and tall grass.
The streets missing the sidewalks, and the store clerks that memorize the kids faces in town.
The regulars at the ice cream shops, the secret hide outs where everyone was at.
The safety of the town, and the people in it.
The diversity of people on drugs, and the kids at church.
The ways we walked out of the house in the am, to see the town went to sleep.

I just want to move. :(

k4r4fosho @ 2008-02-01T22:26:00

2008-02-02T06:27:52Z

You've seemed to keep me on my toes for this whole week.
Everyday I have seemed to fall for you even more.
I could do this for the rest of my life,
I've never met someone who was falling as fast for me as I was for them.

Your everything to me.
I never want to goto bed, if that means I'm not waking up next to you.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-01-30T19:54:00

2008-01-31T03:58:27Z

These finger tips are moving faster then these lips.

I remember driving around town for hours in your car.
I remember your little brown curls.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-01-26T17:58:00

2008-01-27T02:06:40Z

You have to love me, when things get messy. When I sleep in too late, and forget to return your calls. When my hair gets tangly, and my make up is smeared.
Because in reality, when I'm not packed with make up, and wearing the cutest outfit, trying to impress the rest of the world with what looks like a natural beauty, I'm just one huge flaw.

I want you to love me, as this one big flaw.
Because I hate the person I see after hours in the mirror, because I still don't feel any prettier then I did before.
This cover up, only covers up what I want you to love.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-01-25T18:18:00

2008-01-26T02:26:26Z

I wish I could be there when you felt lonely, when you couldn't go on.
If I could only be there when things turned bad, because I can't let you just give up.
I remember when the world fell to my feet.
You held me as I cried away.
I miss you more then any memory of mine.
I miss you more then I have ever missed anything.
I'd do anything to see you lately.

Keep your head up high, I seem to tell you everyday now.
Things will get better one day soon, you have to believe. As you loose hope.
We've come so far, there is no way I'm leaving you behind.
I love you.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-01-24T19:41:00

2008-01-25T03:45:16Z

I love, and want to be loved.

Tonight, you became mine.
I don't want to say forever, I don't want to say it's deep romance.
But I hope you'll stay in my life, for a very long time.
It's nice having you here.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-01-23T16:56:00

2008-01-24T01:02:21Z

I wish you could be mine, all mine.
I wish I was sure if you ever became mine, that you'd stay faithful.

But when it's me and you talking, everything else slows down.
And all of a sudden, life seems so much more beautiful.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-01-22T16:06:00

2008-01-23T00:20:17Z

When you smile I feel my heart drop to my stomache.
Ever since we started talking, I don't think I would want to go a day without you in my life.
Even if we stay friends forever, I'd still be one of the most happiest girls alive.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-01-20T17:49:00

2008-01-21T01:52:25Z

Taking risks isn't something I do. But I'm sticking with my gut.

Promise once you fall in love with me, you wan't fall out?

P.S.

2008-01-20T07:13:24Z

To close a chapter in life.

I wish the best for my old best friend.

k4r4fosho @ 2008-01-19T23:10:00

2008-01-20T07:11:53Z

I really like this boy.

But the whole situation seems really complicated from this point of view.
I'll update what happens in a couple days.

The Love you give, is the love you get.

2008-01-17T19:36:59Z

This week has been a waste of being home sick.
I feel like I need to go shopping.
And I need a cute boy to tell me how each outfit looks on me.

This is only going to add to the drama,

2008-01-16T01:22:23Z

This is only going to make the whole situation worse.
But I'm tired of falling second best, when I feel like I have earned trust and loyalty.
I'm tired of showing friends that I care, when I feel like they only throw it all away.
This is only my opinion, I'm not saying it's fact.
And I'm not saying I'm not anyones friend anymore, I'm not saying I hate anyone, I'm not saying this didn't mean anything.
I'm just getting this all out. I'm just moving on from all this.
Because we're becoming two different people, people no longer see us as two peas in a pod.
You are you, and you see things your way. I am me, and I know how this all feels to me.
In the end, you chose the person you loved the most.

My conclusion is that relationships ruin friendships point blank.
I knew this before our friendship started.

This isn't a start for anything.
This is an ending to all of this, because I'm done playing second best.
If you want me, you can come get me. I'm done with opening up and reaching out.
This is what you wanted, this was your choice.

This is a settle way of concluding things.
I'm not hurt, and I'm not mad. This was all only expected.
I'll be fine.